Resentment is one of the most prevalent moods that I have encountered in my work as a coach. The impact of this mood cannot be understated. It has a major damaging effect on someone’s outlook on life causing distress and compromising well being. This flows into effects on organisational performance and relationships in general. What is resentment and how can we recognise and deal with it?
Resentment is so common it is seen as one of the ‘basic moods of life‘. It is born out of an assessment that there are things we cannot change but wish we could. It relates to our expectations of the future and what is possible for us. For instance, if we feel we are the best person for promotion and that promotion goes to someone else, this creates a space for resentment to emerge. The same applies if we accept a friend’s commitment they will do something important for us and they do not follow through and will not even acknowledge their shortcomings. In both of these examples, something we expected to happen, does not. The result is some future possibilities have been closed and there is nothing we can do about it.
More often than not, our initial response to such events is one of varying degrees of anger indicating a predisposition for direct action to right the wrong we feel has been done. If our attempts to deal with the situation prove fruitless, we start to believe we have no control over the situation and our resentment can build. We are now predisposed for blame and revenge. This is where resentment can have such a powerful and damaging influence on an organisation. In resentment, we cannot move forward. We get caught up in a story about the past and how things could have been different. We lapse into punitive gossip, lack of commitment to the other person and even direct sabotage.
Resentment is often found in people who are showing signs of stress and if it hangs around for long enough can have a profound impact on our health and well being.
In contrast to resentment we find acceptance or peace, which emerges when we can accept what has occurred even though we cannot change it. From this stance, we can move forward and put our energy into more constructive pursuits that may be more beneficial. So how can we move from resentment to acceptance?
There are many ways to make this transition. A good place to start is with the process of ‘grounding assessments‘ our resentment as it stems from our assessments of the situation. For example, we might feel our concerns are always ignored when making decisions that impact on us. Grounding, or validating, these assessments can often start us down the track to acceptance and open up possible conversations that might address some of our concerns.
The steps to grounding assessments involve asking ourselves these questions:
For the sake of what future action or relationship do I hold this assessment?
We can sometimes feel resentful about someone with whom we no longer have any relationship, yet resentment still lingers.
In what area of life is this assessment based?
We will often find our relationships cross many boundaries of aspects of our life. For example, many people work and have personal friendships with others. We may find resentment in one domain of our life bleeds into other areas where the same assessments need not apply.
What and whose standards are being applied?
Very often we find our resentment stems from a difference in standards. A recognition of this can lead to conversations to create shared standards and provide a common framework for a future relationship.
What facts about recurrent actions do we know?
If we take the example of a person ignoring our concerns, we may well find significant evidence to support our assessment, but then again we may not.
Are there facts which point to another conclusion?
This is always a tougher question to address for we are often find resentment blinds us to our protagonist’s other actions that may undermine our assessment. By addressing this question, we can sometimes reduce our feelings of resentment and begin to build a better relationship.
There are many other options to shift from resentment to acceptance but the overarching requirement is to recognise where are energy is best placed if we wish to pursued our desired way of being and life. There are many things we simply cannot change. When and where we were born, who our parents are, what has already happened to us, the limits of the human condition. The list is endless. The key is to appreciate the world will never be exactly what we want it to be and to seek to create where we can not where we think we should.
Related Concepts
Control, Influence and Concern
Our Way of Being
Affect and Affective Realism
From Affect to Mood
Some Basic Moods
Assessments
Grounding Assessments
Declarations