We all have our opinions about the other human beings we know. As our opinions orient us in life, our view of others and their views of us play a critical part in what is possible and what we can achieve.
Throughout our life we trade with each other to get what we need to survive and prosper. As part of that trade, we swap our labour for a reward; normally money. Who we trade with will be based on our opinions of others. I might see myself as a great coach, however, if no-one else shares that view, then I have a problem. My value as a coach does not lie with me, although I have to believe it exists. It lies in my identity in the eyes of others. What distinguishes the quality of my coaching does not sit with me as a coach, but in the assessments of my clients. If I want to be a coach and no-one sees me as an offer to them, then at some point, I will be forced to question my original assessment that I am a good coach.
Identity is critical to our role and standing in society. However, the idea we possess an identity is a bit misleading. We do not possess an identity as such; it is not a thing. Rather our identity lives in others’ stories of us. Identity is relational. Everyone who knows us will have a story about us and that story is our identity to them. We do have a self-story and a view our identity to others, but this is our view and what is possible for us is not based solely on our self-story.
Given that each one of us is always making assessments of the world, including other people, we can say that our identity to another individual is dynamic. Every action we take has the potential to enhance or damage our identity with another. We develop an interpretation of human beings in the three domains of language, emotions and body. As such, identity is created in these three domains. When we think of what identity we want to create with others, we can consider how we use language, what emotions we bring to our interactions, how we show up physically to them and what actions we take.
We do not observe most of the actions we take; that we act transparently. Therefore, if we want to enhance our identity in the eyes of others, we should listen to what they are telling us because their assessments may well provide us with clues to the way we are acting that we may not see.
Related Concepts
Our Way of Being
Unique Beings
Assessments
Roles in Relationships
Identity and Reputation