“Half the promises people say were never kept, were never made.”
… Edgar Watson Howe (1853 – 1937) US editor, novelist, humorist, essayist
Have you ever heard someone in their frustration say, “I shouldn’t have to ask, they should know that they should help me …” We have certainly heard something like that many times over in our work and life in general.
A common saying in ontological coaching is “Show me someone who is suffering and I will show you someone who is not making enough requests.” This statement is evident to many people in the world of coaching and building better relationships. It implies that people who do not generally get what they want from others do not actually ask them for it. Rather they do things they believe will make it obvious to the other person that they should take some action. They rattle the dishes to make it obvious that they are cleaning them and expect help. They declare what is missing or what is needed in the hope that someone will offer to provide it for them. Certainly this approach may produce results, but it is just as likely to produce frustration and ultimately resentment as their wishes go unheeded.
All too often, people who suffer because they cannot or will not make a request to someone else. It could be they were brought up in a household where they were taught not to ask. They may feel asking others for assistance is a sign of weakness or incompetence. They may have a sense of low self-esteem and feel they do not have the right to ask others. The reasons why people do not make requests are many and varied, yet they all lead to a similar destination; more often than not frustration and resentment.
Making requests of each other and the promises these requests generate can expand what is possible for us. We can make requests to get work done, change behaviour, build relationships and seek to create a world that is more to our liking. Rather than living in the hope that something will change or someone will behave differently, we can make requests to directly affect our situation. In my coaching work, one of the questions that constantly sits with me is “What requests could this person be making?” I am looking for ways for my clients to engage others to help get what they want in life. If there is something that is currently missing in your world, thinking about asking yourself the same question and then go ask!
Related Concepts
Effective Conversations
Action Conversations
Requests, Offers and Promises
Making a Request