“I keep six honest serving-men (They taught me all I knew); Their names are What and Why and When And How and Where and Who.”
… Rudyard Kipling (1865 – 1936), “The Elephant’s Child” (1902)
What word do you begin most of your questions with? If you are like most people then more often than not that word will be “why”. Even though this may seem innocuous enough at first glance, there are often some interesting by-products when we begin a question with “why“.
The first thing to consider is how these questions fit into effective conversations. An effective conversation is one taking the participants to a desirable outcome. In the effective conversations model, there are three types of conversation – descriptive, speculative and action. A descriptive conversation helps those involved develop a shared understanding about something relevant to them; a speculative conversation creates new possibilities and finally an action conversation relates to the coordination of action with others. “Why” questions are largely the domain of descriptive conversations and tends to predispose people to explain the reasons behind how things are. Although valuable in developing a shared understanding, descriptive conversations focus on the past and have people look backwards. Too many “why” questions may not be beneficial as they hold people in the past and potentially re-ignite emotional states that may not be conducive to moving forward.
Next, when asked a “why” question about our actions, it is easy to feel the need to defend or justify ourselves. This is exacerbated if there is no context accompanying the “why” question as this allows for broad interpretation of the question. If we feel threatened in the situation then a justifying defence will most likely follow and conversational resistance comes with this defence. If seeking new actions, then this resistance will have to be overcome. A defensive response can also lead to obviating responsibility by blaming others sidetracking the conversation and gain building conversational resistance.
Coaches engage in conversations to generate new actions and so we do not ask too many “why” questions. When we do, we will be very careful to establish a clear and shared context. We may also begin some of our questions with “what” to avoid sounding like the questions are an interrogation.
I have worked with many managers who are constantly asked “why” questions and fall in to the trap of justifying themselves and fall into a defensive stance. When responding they often resort to clichés or parroted company lines undermining their authority with others. For those managers, it can be a useful strategy to silently reframe “why” questions into “what” or “how” questions with a forward focus and then answer those questions.
There is much to developing an effective conversational style, however one place to start is to listen to how often we use or answer “why” questions and observe the responses. This awareness may be the start of an improvement in your communication style.
Related Concepts
Effective Conversations
Descriptive Conversations
Speculative Conversations
Action Conversations
Some Basic Moods