We all have disagreements with other people. It is an inescapable and natural consequence of our unique beingness that everyone else will have different opinions to us. This is a valuable, albeit challenging, aspect of life because through disagreement we have the opportunity, should we wish to take it, to reflect on our view of the world and learn from others’ points of view. Disagreement can be a catalyst for change. Unfortunately, frequently we find that disagreement escalates into conflict. How does this happen?
Three key reasons for this escalation are our emotional state, our view of ourselves and our tendency to hold our worldview as the ‘Truth’.
Our emotional state consists of our moods and emotions. Moods are with us all the time reflecting our habitual patterns of being and predispositions. Within various moods we see certain possibilities and not others. When we find ourselves in moods such as resentment or frustration, the our predispositions are for more aggressive action. This plays into physiological changes associated with the emotions of fear and aggression, such as the build up of adrenalin in our body, which accentuates our predispositions. Our emotions are different to our moods in that they are a relate to our predispositions for a specific event. The predispositions leading to our emotions are informed by our current mood. For instance, say I am driving along in a mood of frustration and get cut off by another driver. My immediate response might show up as anger. If I had been in a joyful mood, this event would have been less likely to trigger an angry response. I would probably just take it in your stride and keep driving. When we observe any escalating conflict situation, we will also be able to track a corresponding escalation in certain moods and emotions and the predispositions they indicate.
Our view of ourselves (self-story) can provide another catalyst for conflict. Our self-story is heavily based on our primary values, core concerns or aspirations and when we feel they are are threatened, then we are likely to respond defensively. The strength of that response will be indicative of how important it is for us. However, often we are unaware of just what is being threatened. We simply react. This lack of awareness provides one of the hardest aspects of dealing with conflict for we are not addressing its underlying cause. If we do not address the underlying concern, resolving the presenting issue may provide short term resolution but a similar breakdown is likely to show up in the future.
Another key factor contributing to conflict lies in how we see the world. Most people assume we see the world as it is and that others should be able to see what we see. This assumption leads to the claim that we are right and, by implication, the other person wrong. We arrogantly claim access to the ‘Truth’ about the world. Whilst this attitude exists within the conversation, conflict will continue to flourish as both people try to defend their position. In the ontological approach, rather than claiming we see the world as it is, the claim is we see the world as we are. Appreciating that we are unique observers offers the opportunity to consider how others might see the world in a different way. We can also take another step and be curious about what they observe it differently and gain new perspectives about the world and how to deal with it. Ultimately this leads to the idea that we do not know the ‘Truth’ about the world but simply our view of it.
Ultimately conflict emerges from disagreement through the nature of our relationships and our ways of being. As a general rule, it shows up when we seek to force others into our worldview and they are unwilling to acquiesce. If we want constructively deal with disagreements, we would be well served by understanding what our emotional state is telling us about how we are responding and the connection to our values, core concerns and aspirations. We would also benefit by being curious about how others see the world and how this might help us.
Related Concepts
Foundation Premise
Unique Beings
Affect and Affective Realism
Moods and Emotions
The Basis of Relationships
The Paradigm of Control
The Paradigm of Trust