We are all aware of the conversations we have with others. It is obvious when we speak and we hear what others say to us. However, do you realise whenever we have a conversation with another person there is not one but three conversations taking place?
The first conversation is where we both overtly speak and interact. This is a ‘public conversation‘ where se see and hear what is going on. The other two conversations are internally happening for each individual as we process the meaning of what we are observing. These are our ‘private conversations‘. These private conversations are more than just what we are consciously thinking. Outside of our awareness, our predictive brains are anticipating what will come next and simulating the possibilities.
The distinction between ‘public conversations’ and ‘private conversations’ may seem trivial but it can be critical if we want to lead a more fulfilling life.
Human beings live in a web of promises built on the commitments we make to each other. Each of those promises is made in a public conversation and affects our future actions. For instance, if we have a text conversation where I promise to meet you for a coffee tomorrow at a certain place and time, then we both hopefully show up at the same place at the appointed time for what will no doubt be a wonderful coffee and conversation. The assumption we both make is that our public conversation match our private ones for we act on our private one. This match between public and private conversations is the basis of our assessment of another’s sincerity, one of the FOUR elements of trust.
This attempt to assess a match between public and private conversations is one of the great guessing games of life for we can never really be sure about another’s private conversation.
Our private conversations are also a rich source of information about ourselves. This is the basis of self-awareness where we listen to both our internal dialogue, imagery and sensations. For many people, their private conversations go unnoticed. They miss out on is recognising what these conversations tell us about our preferences, our prejudices, our values, our emotions and how we truly assess ourselves and the world.
Speaking our private conversations to others is a powerful way of demonstrating both our sincerity and also building closer relationships. There is an unbreakable link between our relationships and conversations. The quality of a relationship will be found in the private conversations we are prepared to share. This equivalence creates a challenge. If we wish to improve a relationship then there is really only one way. We have to engage in conversations that we are currently keeping private. The challenge lies in the risk. What do we share and how will it received? As I said before, matching private and public conversations is a guessing game, and with it comes risk.
If you want to further explore your private conversations, why not try this exercise. The next time you are in a meeting, on your notepad draw a line down the middle of the page and on the left hand side write “Private” and on the right “Public“. As you go through the meeting, jot down some notes about what you say in your private and public conversations.
After the meeting, reflect on what you kept private and then explore why. What were you taking care of by not sharing? What was at stake? How might this be limiting you?
Related Concepts
Public and Private Conversations
Our Predictive Brain
The Paradigm of Trust
The Trust Spectrum