Conversations are not just a means of sharing information, more importantly they are the vehicle for the creation of social reality and the coordination of action with others. Whenever we relate to another human being, we have conversations with them. When we come into contact with someone there are public conversations, but we are also having one way conversations with those we relate to from afar, such as political leaders and celebrities. We even relate to fictional characters.
It is important to appreciate we engage with other people based on our story about them. This is why we can relate to fictional characters and people we know only through various media streams. Even though these stories might be transparent to us, through our conversations with someone, we can identify the authority dynamic at play and the commitments we make and honour to each other. This will point to key aspects of how we see them. The type, quality and frequency of our conversations with someone will be an indicator of the quality of our relationship with them.
Over time, we tend to fall into a pattern of relating with someone such that we tend to repeatedly engage in similar conversations with them. In doing so, our relationships become habitual.
Like any habitual change, if we want to effectively change a relationship dynamic, we will have to sustainably change the nature of our conversations with the other person. Assuming we are seeking a healthier relationship, then, as a starting point, we may need to have the courage to engage in conversations where we feel more vulnerable and share more of our private conversations.
An understanding of the four assessments of trust – sincerity, competence, reliability and involvement – can be valuable in identifying opportunities for different conversations. Ultimately, the key to establishing a new desired relationship dynamic lies with the creation new commitments about how we will interact in the future. It may be we seek more honesty, demonstrations of care or honouring our promises in certain domains. Whatever we see would improve the relationship.
As promises are established through conversation, a constructive approach to life and an understanding and skills in the practice of effective conversations will prove valuable in constructing a new dynamic.
By accepting the idea of habitual relationship dynamics, we can also recognise the process of habit change is not as simple as having one conversation. In the notes on Learning and Growth, we explored a model for the cycle of change and this speaks to the need to continue conversations that recommit two people to a new relationship dynamic.
