The final phase of the cycle is an assessment of the outcome of the promise. This closes the loop and ensures the breakdown has been appropriately addressed or, if not, redressed.
By assessing the outcome of a commitment, we can let others know immediately whether they have done as we asked. Sharing assessments of the outcome of all promises can provide people with a continuous opportunity to give others feedback as to how they are performing and adapt if necessary. Unfortunately, this is often missing in organisational settings and, as a result, so is regular and frequent feedback. This often means people continue to underperform.
When the Outcome is Satisfactory
If the outcome is satisfactory then it is beneficial to appreciate the other’s effort. This can be as simple as a straightforward “thank you”. The importance of this cannot be over-stated. A positive assessment reinforces our public identity and self-story and says to us that what we did was valued and worthwhile. The greater the importance of the relationship involved, the greater the impact. Such a positive feedback loop is likely to motivate us to continue our efforts in that relationship.
If the outcome is satisfactory then a “thank you” represents a declaration of satisfaction and closes the loop.
When the Outcome is NOT Satisfactory
If the outcome has not met the requester’s expectations then two things can be done – speak up or stay silent.
Silence tends to lead us into unhealthy areas. It often stokes feelings of resentment towards the person who did not fulfil the promise. If promises continue to be broken over time, then it is likely to have a very serious negative impact on a relationship. Keeping silent can also impact our self-worth. If someone does not complete their promise to us, we may interpret this as a lack of respect and see ourselves as not worthy.
Alternatively, speaking up tends to go one of two ways. The first is recrimination where we blame the other person for not keeping their promise, and this often escalates into a slanging match damaging the relationship. A more effective method is a conversation to complain and seek redress.
Making a Complaint
Whereas recrimination involves venting dissatisfaction and making accusations, an effective complaint seeks redress whilst taking care of the dignity of both parties.
Before making a complaint, it is useful reflect on the request, and how we made it, to see if it was clear enough. It may well be there were gaps that can be quickly addressed by a further request. We can also reflect on the level of acceptance when the other person made their promise. It may well be they made a half-hearted commitment that we did not address at the time. In both cases, the onus was on us to ensure clarity and commitment. Hopefully through these reflections, we can find ways to improve how we create promises in the future. If after this we do decide to continue with the complaint, the following steps are suggested:
- Assert to the person you believed to have made the promise, that a promise was indeed made in the first place. It may be they feel they had not made a promise. In this case, you can establish a shared understanding of the situation and perhaps create a new promise. As with the self-reflection above, this can provide valuable learning about gaining promises in the first place. “I believe you made a promise to me to…”
- If they agree they had made a promise, then assert that the promise had not been fulfilled.
This step provides them with the opportunity to clarify if they had fulfilled their promise but not declared completion. These first two steps are aimed at clearing up misunderstandings and taking care of the relationship. If it is clear they made a commitment and did not fulfil it then the next two steps are about accountability. “It appears to me that you have not kept your promise”. - Declare the ensuing negative consequences to set a context for the final step. This could relate to identity, trust, a financial loss, a lost opportunity etc. It is also important to include how we assess their responsibility for these outcomes. “As a result of your broken promise, A, B & C have happened.”
- The final step is to make another request. This may involve a mode that is more demanding than before depending on the situation. The last step is critical as it turns a venting conversation into another action conversation by which the breakdown may be addressed.
“I now insist that you do X by time Y. Will you do this for me?”
To make a complaint is to hold someone accountable for their commitments. How we handle commitments made to us and those we make to others, will impact our relationships and self-story. This is also going to impact how some future requests and commitments will be dealt with in the future. Accountability is a key aspect of relationship dynamics and will be expanded in the document, ‘Relationships’.
