Even though action conversations can begin with either a request or an offer, here I will focus on requests. The fundamental difference between the two lies in the role of the speaker and listener. For a request, something is missing for the speaker and they seek assistance. For an offer, the speaker sees something missing for the other person and suggests they can help to address that breakdown with an offer (conditional promise).
An action conversation follows the declaration of action in the conversation process where the person making that declaration has also decided they need others’ help to achieve the desired outcome. To get this help, they make a request.
Every request entails risk. Will the other person agree to help and what is at stake if they do not? Our answers to these questions establishes a context for how we might proceed. We generally make requests habitually but we can learn to improve how we do so in differing circumstances by better understanding the elements of a request and how to utilise them to make more effective requests.
At first glance, making a request is fairly simple and generally takes the form, “I request that you do X by time Y”. However a deeper look at making effective requests exposes more complexity that can be broken into two categories – the people involved in the request and its linguistic elements.
The Human Elements of a Request
| A Speaker | Who is the person making the request? Sometimes this is not clear, particularly when it involves written requests. |
| A Listener | Is the person who is being asked actually listening to the request? Although people are always listening they may not be listening to you. Also to whom is the request directed? This is most pertinent when multiple people are present. |
| Authority Dynamic | The authority dynamic between those involved will inform whether a request is made and the mode (see below) in which it is made. The degree of trust between the two people will also play a part in how the request is made and is likely to show up in the mode of the request. |
| Emotional States | The emotional states of the two involved will play a part in the effectiveness of the request. Always remember a conversation in an inappropriate emotional space carries greater risk. It may be necessary to seek to shift the emotional space before proceeding or simply wait for it to change. |
| Body | When in face to face conversation, we are always interpreting others body posture and movement, voice tone and so on. Speaking from a centred body will enhance how orders will interpret your request and how they will best respond. |
| Medium | Options include face to face, voice call, written medium such as messaging apps or email. As requests involve risk, the medium should be appropriate for what is at stake. Ideally, more important requests are best done face to face as the speaker can assess the situation in real time and adjust if necessary. Written requests land with someone in circumstances unseen by the speaker such that they cannot adjust how they make the request. For instance, the other person might be angry about something else and this will likely impact the way they respond. |
The Linguistic Elements of a Request
| Context | We always interpret meaning within a context, so it is important to establish one that will give the request the meaning and importance being sought. |
| Shared Assumptions | All requests involve assumptions. It is important those assumptions be shared so there is a greater understanding of what action and outcome is required. |
| Conditions of Satisfaction | The conditions of satisfaction are the explicit actions and outcomes being requested. When combined with our assumptions, they make up the requirements of the actions and outcomes of the request. |
| Timeframe | Knowing when something will happen is central to how to coordinate action with others. We make other commitments on the basis of when we expect to happen and can also know when to act if something doesn’t happen on time. It is a time frame that effectively allows us to manage closing the loop. |
| Mode | The mode of the request relates to how we ask and extends on a spectrum from pleading through demanding. Generally, we match the mode to the perceived authority dynamic of the relationship appropriate to the situation. |
Remembering all these aspects for any given request is unlikely but referencing them does allow us to reflect on how we made requests, particularly if they do not end up in a promise or if we find a promise does not end up with the expected outcome. Such reflection creates an opportunity to improve how we make requests and may also take care of our relationships if we realise we may not have been as clear as we needed to be.
For instance, a common breakdown when making requests lies in a gap in shared understanding between the assumptions of the speaker and the listener and the explicit conditions of satisfaction. Those gaps often end up in a lack of shared interpretation of what actions and outcomes are required.
